Minkgirl Muses

UNTIL NOW...

I was sitting on the couch this morning, holding the warm, cuddly bundle that is Miss V, and thinking about time. Well, actually, I was spacing out, but occasionally a thought would drift through my head like the tail smoke of a jet blazing across a cloudless sky. It sounded something like this…”Breathe in. Breathe out. Warm. Steam on windows. Heater blowing. What was I doing last year at this time? Breathe in. Breathe out. Rustle. Gurgle. Burp. My foot hurts. I wonder why? Breathe in. Breathe out. A year ago, Miss V didn’t exist.”

So, I pulled out my 2006 journal and settled back on the couch for my annual ritual of re-reading last year’s inner thoughts. As is often the case, a lot has changed in a year. And also, things are exactly the same. Apparently on November 22^nd of 2006 – the page to which the journal cracked open and also the last pre-London entry – I was thinking about how to lighten up and appreciate the good stuff. Work I am actively pursuing this week as well. The backstory on this entry (which I have excerpted below), is that my good friend Aphrodite - who is not only the most passionate woman I know, but also a genuine goddess in her quest for truth and wisdom, who I have known for (gasp!) nearly 20 years, and who has also given me the great gift of being my personal coach for the past few years – once shared with me a core concept from her coaching model: the phrase until now…I see this phrase as a literal get-out-jail-free card, as in “Until now…I have allowed other people’s expectations to shape my choices, but I will now trust my own desires.” Or, “Until now…I have devoured potato chips mindlessly, but I will now fill my body with better fuel.” You should try it – it’s better than dark chocolate and twice as addictive. C’mon, think of something you catch yourself doing over and over again that pains you in some way and let this magic phrase peal from your lips…

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I’ve been thinking about A’s phrase until now…and the freedom it offers of just being able to walk away from old behaviors that you don’t want to engage in anymore. I’d like to walk away from the self I’ve been for the last 4 months, maybe even for the last 2 years. The fearful, cramped, anxious-about-her-career, exhausted, beleaguered, whining, complaining Minkgirl. I’d like to give her a vacation – maybe Tahiti or the South of France. I’d like to see her come back with long hair and a tan, wearing a sari and barefoot. I’d like to see her cock her head to the side while chewing on a blade of grass and say “Man…I like that.”

While she’s gone, a new Minkgirl could move into her house and spruce up the place – roll up the window shades and open all the doors – air the place out. Put fresh bunches of wildflowers all around and silly figurines in unexpected places. Erect permanent (or rather impermanent) monuments to pleasure throughout the house – a pile of laundry to jump in like new fallen leaves, a treasure hunt of books leading from one room to the next, beautiful pictures and words cut from magazines pasted all over the walls. There will always be music playing and something sweet baking in the oven. When you ring the bell, this Minkgirl will answer the door laughing about something Gman has said, and she will invite you to come and sit on the kitchen floor with her and watch the light fade from the sky while you sing songs about love.

A nice vision – this alternative self who knows how to appreciate simple pleasures. I picked up Mommy Mantras again this weekend, a sweet and sensible little book that I was also reading around this time last year, when the nights were oh-so-long and Gman was punishing us in every conceivable way for rocking his world by moving to London. Here’s the phrase that caught my attention both then and now:

It's not about what we do wrong, but rather about what we do next.

Another way of saying until now…It’s not about falling off the horse – there is absolutely no way to avoid that, no matter how long or how skillfully we ride – it’s about how quickly you can recover and get back in the saddle. That idea does a lot to chase away negative self-esteem when I make mistakes.

The human brain is so complicated – we have to build such elaborate mental castles to trick ourselves into seeing what’s already there – how good and beautiful life is. I seem to live perpetually in need of an attitude adjustment. Maybe everyone does. A positive attitude, like any other good thing in one’s life – an intimate relationship, a vocation – requires daily recommitment. What I’m looking for is a few more tools to help me and the others in my family remember to make that commitment. We have our Friday night Shabbat ritual, and that really helps, and sometimes (if I can remember) I do yoga or a little meditation, but we need even more tools to help us remember to look on the bright side. Like a warm and totally trusting body lying in one’s arms reminding us to stop, breathe, and just be.

Be well.

Labels: Family Life, Mamahood, mantras, time

# posted by Christine Young @ 6:24 AM